The breaking, oh the breaking

I forget what it feels like to be broken.

To have dreams shattered.

To have hopes crushed.

To have calling questioned.

To not know who I am.

Is it a mental block or something? Do I intentionally just cast aside all the rough times and really not recall when the breaking is coming?

I knew I was in a wierd place but really didn't recognize it as being broken.

In all honesty, the signs were there: Not being able to encounter God like before. Struggling with the simplicity of just reading the bible. Feeling like there is no satisfaction in the places or the things I did before. Not even being able to sing a song of joy to my King, or sing a song at all. Everywhere I've turned lately, I see all my short comings, all my faults, and all of the places where I am just completely inadequate!

Should've seen it coming, shouldn't have resisted, because now I'm feeling it.

One thing I know now though, is because I know I'm right in the middle of the breaking, there is a sweet aroma that is filling the nostrils of my King. I am so thankful that the thing He is most attracted to is brokenness. I'm not going through this alone, not in the least bit. He holds me, He lifts my head, He keeps every piece and will be the One to put everything back in the place it belongs.

Being broken is NEVER an easy thing. Neither is the piecing back together. Thankfully, I'm not the one who has to put it all together. I have a King, a Father who sees all of me and knows how to take me from here to the next glory.


Psalm 34: 18 The Lord is close to those who are of a broken heart and saves such as are crushed with sorrow for sin and are humbly and thoroughly penitent.

Psalm 51: 17 My sacrifice [the sacrifice acceptable] to God is a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart [broken down with sorrow for sin and humbly and thoroughly penitent], such, O God, You will not despise.

relinquish: to give over posession or control of

Letting go
Giving up
No more control

I trust You
You're my Strength
You're my Hope

You spoke a word
It is my promise
It is reality

You are Creator
You are Absolute
You are...

You are Timeless
You are Redeemer
You are not a Liar

I trust You
I'm letting go
You spoke a word.

Where I am....

The more I get alone
The more I see I need to get alone more, more
Cause just when I think that I'm alone
Your Spirit calls out to me
And even silence has a song
Cause that's when you come
Sing over me

Still, let me be still
Let me be OK
With the quiet in my heart
Still, I want to be still
I'm so quick to move
Instead of listening to you
Shut my mouth
Crush my pride
Give me the tears Of a broken life,
Still

Oh this world, it falls around me
And flutters all it's beauty in my eyes
But let me choose the solitude
Simplicity has always simply changed my life
Cause even stillness makes me move
Cause that's when my heart
Learns to dance with you

Still, let me be still
Let me be OK
With the quiet in my heart
Still, I want to be still
I'm so quick to move
Instead of listening to you
I'm your child
Tame my heart
Obedience
To me impart
Still

La la la la la, Hold me
La la la la la, Cleanse me
La la la la la, Change me, Oh God
Change me while I am
Still, let me be still
And know that you are God
And you are always enough S
till, I want to be still
To take all that I am
And simply lift it up
Shut my mouth
Crush my pride
Give me the tears
Of a broken life,
Still

going through it...

Man, I've been going through a lot of stuff lately. It's been hard but really, really good and totally worth it! God is exposing things in me that I didn't realize was there. He is showing me that if I want to go deeper with Him, there is a lot of work to be done. I asked for His heart, His vision, His ears and man, I didn't realize the fullness of what I asked. It's okay because I know in the end, all things will be made new and I can give Him even more glory for what He has done in me and for me.

I'm learning a lot about obedience. God is showing me how important it is to obey IMMEDIATELY when He tells you to do something. I am also learning that sometimes if I don't hear from Him about something, it's more than likely because I already have the answer to the question I have. Also, unless God has given me a new word about something, no matter what, stand on that word until a new word is given, IF it is given.

What is interesting to me is that He wants to choose EVERYTHING for me...where I live and work, how I raise my girls, and even my friends. The friends thing was a little interesting for me. He is showing me more and more that He is the only true friend a person has and that He is the only One who will never leave me or forsake me. It's amazing: He wants every single thing in my life. I know to some people that may sound really crazy and kind of controlling but truth be told, who better to choose my friends than the One who sees the thoughts and intents of every heart? It's just amazing how deep His love goes. Needless to say, there has been some anger to work through and definately some tears shed in coming to the realization that everyone who calls themselves my friends really aren't.

I think the reason why this was so hard is because I didn't know that I could be hurt by a Christian friend as much as a non-Christian friend. I know that may sound a little wierd but I guess I thought someone who followed God wouldn't be able to hurt me as much. Well, that wasn't true. That was my fault for thinking that though. I have to remember people still aren't perfect....they just serve a God who is. They are just like me changing from glory to glory, waiting for the day they are perfected in Christ. God is definately killing off some wrong mindsets I had. I am totally thankful for it. I am learning to flow more and more in mercy and grace the way I should. He is also teaching me how to be a better friend out of all this. The friends I do have are totally amazing and I am so blessed they are in my life. They have seen me in the rawest form....and are still around. That means a lot to me.

I am just thankful that God is continually working in me all of the things I should have and working out of me all the things I shouldn't have. It's not always easy going through this stuff but HE IS SO WORTHY TO HAVE ALL OF ME. Every single solitary part. Even the things I think I need, He can have them too if it means I get to bring Him more glory in the end.

Obsession

I am learning new, well not really new but TRUE definitions for words that that the world has tainted and abused: Obsession is one of them.

God is showing me that obsession is okay...dependent upon what your obsession is. Well, right now, He is mine.

I find myself being completely enveloped in His presence, longing to do nothing but utter praises and adoration to my King. He is transforming my mind in such a way that I am living in such a supernatural sense of "living as though I've never sinned". My past is exactly that, passed!!! That is not what defines me any longer. It's who He says I am and what He speaks into my life that is real. He speaks one word and years of shame and guilt, and insecurities are blown away by the very power of His voice...old things are passed away, Behold all things are made new...I am in awe of the One called Savior, Redeemer, Wonderful, Righteous, Holy, King of kings, and Lord of lords!

By letting Him love me in His perfect love, I am learning what LOVE is as well. I used to think that by serving Him was to love Him...The truth is my definition of love wasn't the same as His. It's like it says in 1 Corinthians 13 and I'm paraphrazing here: If I could speak in the tongues of men and angels, if I could prophesy and know the secrets and mysteries of God, or if I sacrificed myself for others, it means nothing if there isn't love.

Instead of doing, I am learning just to be with Him and finding out who He is. I am seeing all that He has done for me and that has began to create a heart of gratitude. It is creating in me a heart burning for Him. I am in love with Him. Out of that love, I want to do things for Him, I want to obey Him. I am learning the only right heart of service for Him is out of that love relationship...otherwise, we are trying to EARN our salvation by serving Him.

So yes, Jesus is my obsession, He is the object of all of my affection and all I long to do is be with Him. As He lavishes His love on me, I only want to reciprocate that back to the One who loves me perfectly.



You Are Mine

by Mute Math

Everyone has their obsession
Consuming thoughts, consuming time
They hold high their prized posession
That defines the meaning of their lives

You are mine
You are mine
You are mine, oh mine
You are mine

There are objects of affection
That can mesmerize the soul
There is always one addiction
That just cannot be controlled
You are mine
You are mine
You are mine, oh mine
You are mine
Everyone has their obsession
Consuming thoughts, consuming time
They hold high their prized posession
They hold high their prized posession

purging, purifying...OUCH!

I am asking the Lord to purge me, cleanse me, and purify me.

I'm asking for His sight, His vision, His dreams for me.

I am asking for a heart transplant, His for mine.

I'm asking for His eyesight, His insight.

I want to be more like Him.

I want to be transparent to those who have been wounded like me.

I want more of Him than ever.

It hurts.

It's not easy.

My dreams want to live.

My best isn't what His best is for me.

I am being mended from the brokenness.

Even in mending there is stretching and stitching.

I wouldn't want it any other way.

I am having to let some things die

While other things I though were totally gone are being resurrected.

He's so worthy of it all.

Impossibilities made possible

Almighty God my Redeemer, my hiding place, my strong refuge

No other name like Jesus, no power can stand against You

My feet are planted on this rock and I will not be shaken

My hope it comes from You alone, my Rock and my Salvation

Your praise is always on my lips, Your Word is living in my heart

And I will praise You with a new song, my soul will bless You Lord

You fill my life with greater joy, yes I delight myself in You

And I will praise You with a new song, my soul will bless You Lord

When I am weak You make me strong,

When I'm poor, I know I'm rich

for in the power of Your name

All things are possible, all things are possible!

Matthew 19:26-But Jesus looked at them and said, With men this is impossible, but all things are possible with God.

Mark 10:27-Jesus glanced around at them and said, With men [it is] impossible, but not with God; for all things are possible with God.

Luke 18:27-But He said, What is impossible with men is possible with God.

If you couldn't catch it, there is a theme here. I think about a month ago, we were at all night prayer at our church office and we were singing this awesome Hillsong song. My friend Misty works with the youth at Bethany Worship Center and she was telling us earlier they were singing this song with the teens and she didn't feel like they understood it...It is like the above verses say, with God, all things are possible. What an encouraging word. When she was sharing these things, she began sharing some of her testimony and revealing to us that TRULY: All things are possible with God!!!

The Lord immediately began rolling these words through my mind over and over again for the next week or so. While in pray with Him, He asked me a question: What is YOUR impossible? Immediately I knew what it was. I told Him to see my entire family SAVED and following Him by the end of this year. I wanted them sozoed-saved, healed and delivered! Totally set free from the oppression of the enemy. For a long time, we that are saved have been praying this for our family. I know the Lord has shown my Aunt and my mom visions of our entire family following Him. He also showed a friend of my moms a vision of all of my family, including my father's family following Him. I have been praying this but I wanted my own revelation of it: I wanted it in my mind's eye.
Since coming to BWC, that is one consistant theme of my church: to see all of our families come to Christ. This has birthed something in me that has enabled me to catch my own vision of my family following Him. He had me name everyone one night while praying. Even friends of our family who have known us for years were put into my heart. I have been yearning to see the Lord at work.
Something changed that night He asked me what my impossible was though. I can't explain it but there was EXPECTATION afterward. Not even 3 weeks after hearing this, I got a call from my mom on Saturday. She just got off the phone with her sister from Florida and she told my mom my cousin gave his heart to the Lord! Wow, that's one down...God is awesome! Well, she gave me another call on Sunday to share some more news: She had gone to our home church in Boulder that morning and got a huge surprise. My other cousin was there and told her he had been going to that church for a few weeks now. Shocker much? This keeps on going: Monday evening I get a text from my brother in Nebraska. He tells me how much he has been missing me and wants me around. When I get down to it, I realize it's not me he wants around, he is growing more curious about the Lord and wants to have someone to talk to about Him. He also tells me that my sister who lives there has been going to church a lot lately too. If that isn't God answering my prayer, I don't know what is. It's like He is telling me, "sit back and watch as I bring them in, one by one." What an amazing God I serve. I don't think this testimony is over yet either. This is just the beginning...

One last question: What is your impossible?