He Is Jealous For Me

I love music. If you know anything about me, you know music is important and there is always a song running through my brain, always. Most of the time it's a worship song! I just love singing to Jesus ;)

This week, I get to lead 'How He Loves' by John Mark McMillan. It's a great song with an even greater testimony behind it. Since I'm singing lead on it this week, I've been thinking about it a lot, singing it a lot, and even attempting to play it on my guitar. (HA!)

The words to this song are just becoming more and more real and it's making me see how even more powerful it really is. And then I think of where it came from: The brokenness of a man who just lost a friend and is angry. He's questioning the same God that this friend who died, willingly gave his life for. I think it was a moment of truth for him. Did he trust God, did he know God or was everything he believed about God all a lie? In the end, what came out of John Mark's brokenness was the sweet aroma of praise to the risen Savior. Wow.

As I'm writing this, I'm just thinking about the lyrics: "Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy."

I've seen those news videos of hurricanes before: The tree bending down and nearly touching the ground, some of the trees have smaller pieces of them break off, others snap at the trunk, while others are completely pulled from the ground, root and all! It's quite an awesome sight!

It makes me see the love of God in such a different perspective. His love is such an overwhelming force that absolutely changes us. We don't stay the same when He comes. Just like those trees, we can't. It is utterly impossible.

It also makes me think of what kind of tree I am when His love comes in. Am I one who will bow and bend or will I break? Will I allow the wind to blow some of the branches off my tree or will I try to make my stand and be immovable only to be uprooted?

I hope to be the one that when the presence of God comes in, when His tangible love hits my being, that I am bendable, plyable, moldable. I hope to let the Lover of my soul have His way in me. I want to be broken by His love...just to let Him put me back together. I'll let Him use the wind of His love to blow off those wounds, lies and hurts that have tried to hold onto me.

I just pray that I never harden my heart to His love. I pray I won't let pride and arrogance keep me in a place where His love cannot penetrate my being. I pray I never get so full of myself that the only way His love can touch me is if He blows me down, root and all.

If He has to, He'll do it though....'cause He is jealous for me.

The breaking, oh the breaking

I forget what it feels like to be broken.

To have dreams shattered.

To have hopes crushed.

To have calling questioned.

To not know who I am.

Is it a mental block or something? Do I intentionally just cast aside all the rough times and really not recall when the breaking is coming?

I knew I was in a wierd place but really didn't recognize it as being broken.

In all honesty, the signs were there: Not being able to encounter God like before. Struggling with the simplicity of just reading the bible. Feeling like there is no satisfaction in the places or the things I did before. Not even being able to sing a song of joy to my King, or sing a song at all. Everywhere I've turned lately, I see all my short comings, all my faults, and all of the places where I am just completely inadequate!

Should've seen it coming, shouldn't have resisted, because now I'm feeling it.

One thing I know now though, is because I know I'm right in the middle of the breaking, there is a sweet aroma that is filling the nostrils of my King. I am so thankful that the thing He is most attracted to is brokenness. I'm not going through this alone, not in the least bit. He holds me, He lifts my head, He keeps every piece and will be the One to put everything back in the place it belongs.

Being broken is NEVER an easy thing. Neither is the piecing back together. Thankfully, I'm not the one who has to put it all together. I have a King, a Father who sees all of me and knows how to take me from here to the next glory.


Psalm 34: 18 The Lord is close to those who are of a broken heart and saves such as are crushed with sorrow for sin and are humbly and thoroughly penitent.

Psalm 51: 17 My sacrifice [the sacrifice acceptable] to God is a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart [broken down with sorrow for sin and humbly and thoroughly penitent], such, O God, You will not despise.

relinquish: to give over posession or control of

Letting go
Giving up
No more control

I trust You
You're my Strength
You're my Hope

You spoke a word
It is my promise
It is reality

You are Creator
You are Absolute
You are...

You are Timeless
You are Redeemer
You are not a Liar

I trust You
I'm letting go
You spoke a word.

Where I am....

The more I get alone
The more I see I need to get alone more, more
Cause just when I think that I'm alone
Your Spirit calls out to me
And even silence has a song
Cause that's when you come
Sing over me

Still, let me be still
Let me be OK
With the quiet in my heart
Still, I want to be still
I'm so quick to move
Instead of listening to you
Shut my mouth
Crush my pride
Give me the tears Of a broken life,
Still

Oh this world, it falls around me
And flutters all it's beauty in my eyes
But let me choose the solitude
Simplicity has always simply changed my life
Cause even stillness makes me move
Cause that's when my heart
Learns to dance with you

Still, let me be still
Let me be OK
With the quiet in my heart
Still, I want to be still
I'm so quick to move
Instead of listening to you
I'm your child
Tame my heart
Obedience
To me impart
Still

La la la la la, Hold me
La la la la la, Cleanse me
La la la la la, Change me, Oh God
Change me while I am
Still, let me be still
And know that you are God
And you are always enough S
till, I want to be still
To take all that I am
And simply lift it up
Shut my mouth
Crush my pride
Give me the tears
Of a broken life,
Still

going through it...

Man, I've been going through a lot of stuff lately. It's been hard but really, really good and totally worth it! God is exposing things in me that I didn't realize was there. He is showing me that if I want to go deeper with Him, there is a lot of work to be done. I asked for His heart, His vision, His ears and man, I didn't realize the fullness of what I asked. It's okay because I know in the end, all things will be made new and I can give Him even more glory for what He has done in me and for me.

I'm learning a lot about obedience. God is showing me how important it is to obey IMMEDIATELY when He tells you to do something. I am also learning that sometimes if I don't hear from Him about something, it's more than likely because I already have the answer to the question I have. Also, unless God has given me a new word about something, no matter what, stand on that word until a new word is given, IF it is given.

What is interesting to me is that He wants to choose EVERYTHING for me...where I live and work, how I raise my girls, and even my friends. The friends thing was a little interesting for me. He is showing me more and more that He is the only true friend a person has and that He is the only One who will never leave me or forsake me. It's amazing: He wants every single thing in my life. I know to some people that may sound really crazy and kind of controlling but truth be told, who better to choose my friends than the One who sees the thoughts and intents of every heart? It's just amazing how deep His love goes. Needless to say, there has been some anger to work through and definately some tears shed in coming to the realization that everyone who calls themselves my friends really aren't.

I think the reason why this was so hard is because I didn't know that I could be hurt by a Christian friend as much as a non-Christian friend. I know that may sound a little wierd but I guess I thought someone who followed God wouldn't be able to hurt me as much. Well, that wasn't true. That was my fault for thinking that though. I have to remember people still aren't perfect....they just serve a God who is. They are just like me changing from glory to glory, waiting for the day they are perfected in Christ. God is definately killing off some wrong mindsets I had. I am totally thankful for it. I am learning to flow more and more in mercy and grace the way I should. He is also teaching me how to be a better friend out of all this. The friends I do have are totally amazing and I am so blessed they are in my life. They have seen me in the rawest form....and are still around. That means a lot to me.

I am just thankful that God is continually working in me all of the things I should have and working out of me all the things I shouldn't have. It's not always easy going through this stuff but HE IS SO WORTHY TO HAVE ALL OF ME. Every single solitary part. Even the things I think I need, He can have them too if it means I get to bring Him more glory in the end.

Obsession

I am learning new, well not really new but TRUE definitions for words that that the world has tainted and abused: Obsession is one of them.

God is showing me that obsession is okay...dependent upon what your obsession is. Well, right now, He is mine.

I find myself being completely enveloped in His presence, longing to do nothing but utter praises and adoration to my King. He is transforming my mind in such a way that I am living in such a supernatural sense of "living as though I've never sinned". My past is exactly that, passed!!! That is not what defines me any longer. It's who He says I am and what He speaks into my life that is real. He speaks one word and years of shame and guilt, and insecurities are blown away by the very power of His voice...old things are passed away, Behold all things are made new...I am in awe of the One called Savior, Redeemer, Wonderful, Righteous, Holy, King of kings, and Lord of lords!

By letting Him love me in His perfect love, I am learning what LOVE is as well. I used to think that by serving Him was to love Him...The truth is my definition of love wasn't the same as His. It's like it says in 1 Corinthians 13 and I'm paraphrazing here: If I could speak in the tongues of men and angels, if I could prophesy and know the secrets and mysteries of God, or if I sacrificed myself for others, it means nothing if there isn't love.

Instead of doing, I am learning just to be with Him and finding out who He is. I am seeing all that He has done for me and that has began to create a heart of gratitude. It is creating in me a heart burning for Him. I am in love with Him. Out of that love, I want to do things for Him, I want to obey Him. I am learning the only right heart of service for Him is out of that love relationship...otherwise, we are trying to EARN our salvation by serving Him.

So yes, Jesus is my obsession, He is the object of all of my affection and all I long to do is be with Him. As He lavishes His love on me, I only want to reciprocate that back to the One who loves me perfectly.



You Are Mine

by Mute Math

Everyone has their obsession
Consuming thoughts, consuming time
They hold high their prized posession
That defines the meaning of their lives

You are mine
You are mine
You are mine, oh mine
You are mine

There are objects of affection
That can mesmerize the soul
There is always one addiction
That just cannot be controlled
You are mine
You are mine
You are mine, oh mine
You are mine
Everyone has their obsession
Consuming thoughts, consuming time
They hold high their prized posession
They hold high their prized posession

purging, purifying...OUCH!

I am asking the Lord to purge me, cleanse me, and purify me.

I'm asking for His sight, His vision, His dreams for me.

I am asking for a heart transplant, His for mine.

I'm asking for His eyesight, His insight.

I want to be more like Him.

I want to be transparent to those who have been wounded like me.

I want more of Him than ever.

It hurts.

It's not easy.

My dreams want to live.

My best isn't what His best is for me.

I am being mended from the brokenness.

Even in mending there is stretching and stitching.

I wouldn't want it any other way.

I am having to let some things die

While other things I though were totally gone are being resurrected.

He's so worthy of it all.